How to Forgive When It Hurts

The Power of Biblical Forgiveness

Someone has hurt you. Deeply, unfairly, and possibly repeatedly. And you are being told to forgive them. Everything in you resists it. You feel that forgiving them lets them off the hook, invalidates your pain, and opens the door to being hurt again. This sermon will address every one of those objections – and show you why forgiveness is not for the person who hurt you. It is for you.

Matthew 18:21–22 · Ephesians 4:31–32 · Colossians 3:13 · Matthew 6:14–15 · Luke 23:34

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13 (NIV)

Forgiveness is the most searched, most needed, and most resisted topic in human relationships. People search for it after betrayal, after divorce, after abuse, after abandonment, after being lied to, cheated on, exploited, or discarded by people they trusted. And the consistent biblical instruction – forgive – is the most counterintuitive command in the entire gospel.

Because forgiveness feels like injustice. It feels like releasing a guilty person from consequences they deserve. It feels like saying what they did was acceptable. It feels like making yourself vulnerable to being hurt again. And when the wound is deep enough – when what was done to you is genuinely grievous, criminal, or repeated – the command to forgive can feel like God is taking sides against you.

But every one of these feelings is built on a fundamental misunderstanding of what forgiveness actually is. Forgiveness is not exoneration. It is not reconciliation. It is not trust restored. It is the deliberate release of your right to hold another person’s offence against them. It is a transaction between you and God, not between you and the person who hurt you. And it is the act that sets not the offender free – but the offended free.

This sermon will show you exactly what forgiveness is, why God commands it, what unforgiveness is costing you, how Jesus modelled it, and the practical steps to forgiving a wound that has not yet healed.

WHAT THIS SERMON COVERS 1.  Key Bible Verses on Forgiveness 2.  Part 1 – What Forgiveness Is and What It Is Not 3.  Part 2 – Why God Commands Us to Forgive 4.  Part 3 – The High Cost of Unforgiveness 5.  Part 4 – How Jesus Modelled Forgiveness 6.  Part 5 – 5 Practical Steps to Forgive When It Still Hurts 7.  Part 6 – Forgiveness vs Reconciliation 8.  Declaration of Forgiveness 9.  Closing Prayer 10.  FAQ – Questions About Forgiveness

How to use this sermon: This message is most powerful for individuals going through divorce, betrayal, abuse recovery, or deep relational wounds. Do not rush the declaration – allow extended time for people to release specific names and specific offences to God before the congregation. This may be the most personally significant sermon some of your congregation will ever hear.

What Does the Bible Say About Forgiveness?

✔  Matthew 18:21–22 – Forgive not seven times but seventy-seven times. Forgiveness has no ceiling.

✔  Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.

✔  Colossians 3:13 – Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

✔  Matthew 6:14–15 – If you forgive others, your Father will forgive you. If you do not, He will not.

✔  Luke 23:34 – Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. Jesus from the cross.

✔  Mark 11:25 – When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them.

✔  Romans 12:19 – Do not take revenge. Vengeance is Mine, says the Lord.

✔  Hebrews 12:15 – See that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

✔  Matthew 5:44 – Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

✔  Genesis 50:20 – You intended to harm me but God intended it for good. Joseph to his brothers.

What Forgiveness Is – and What It Is Not

What Forgiveness Is NOT

Forgiveness is not saying that what the person did was acceptable. It is not pretending the wound does not exist. It is not excusing behaviour that was genuinely wrong. It is not automatically restoring trust. It is not placing yourself back in a position to be hurt again. It is not reconciliation – reconciliation requires two willing people; forgiveness requires only one. And it is not a feeling – you do not wait until you feel like forgiving. You choose to forgive before the feeling arrives.

What Forgiveness IS

Forgiveness is the deliberate decision to release another person from the debt they owe you for the wrong they did. It is a transaction conducted between you and God, not primarily between you and the offender. The person who hurt you may never apologise. They may never acknowledge the wrong. Forgiveness does not require their participation. It requires only your willingness to stop being the one who holds the debt.

Joseph’s forgiveness of his brothers in Genesis 45 is the most complete picture of forgiveness in the Old Testament. His brothers had sold him into slavery and lied to their father for over twenty years. And Joseph’s forgiveness was not based on their repentance. It was based on a theological reframing: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good.” (Genesis 50:20). The forgiveness preceded the theological understanding – but the theological understanding made the forgiveness sustainable.

Why God Commands Us to Forgive

Matthew 6:14–15 contains one of the most sobering conditional statements Jesus ever made: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” This is not a suggestion. It is a condition. The person who refuses to forgive is placing their own access to forgiveness at risk.

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

Matthew 18:21–35 is Jesus’ most extended teaching on forgiveness. A servant owes the king ten thousand bags of gold – an impossible debt. He is forgiven the entire amount. He immediately has a fellow servant thrown in prison over a trivial debt. The king’s response: “You wicked servant! I cancelled all that debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had mercy on your fellow servant?” And the servant is handed over to be tortured.

Jesus’ conclusion: “This is how My heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” (Matthew 18:35). The unforgiven debt you are holding against the person who hurt you is smaller than the debt God has cancelled over your life. The refusal to forgive reveals a failure to genuinely comprehend the magnitude of what you yourself have been forgiven.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31–32 (NIV)

The High Cost of Unforgiveness

Hebrews 12:15 warns of a bitter root that grows up and defiles many. Bitterness is the fruit of unforgiveness maintained over time. And bitterness is one of the most destructive forces in the human soul – not because of what it does to the person who caused the wound but because of what it does to the person who is carrying it.

Unforgiveness Imprisons the Victim, Not the Offender

The most powerful image for unforgiveness is the prison. Matthew 18:34 describes the unmerciful servant handed to jailers to be tortured. The person who refuses to forgive hands themselves to their own jailers – to the torments of rehearsed grievances, to the re-experiencing of the original wound every time the memory surfaces, to a life narrowed around an offence until the offence has become the dominant reality. The offender, in most cases, is living their life completely unaffected by the rage being directed at them from inside your prison.

Unforgiveness Blocks Prayer

Mark 11:25: “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Unforgiveness is a prayer blocker. The bitterness held in the heart creates a spiritual obstruction that affects the effectiveness of prayer. Many believers have wondered why their prayer life feels closed and ineffective without realising that an unresolved unforgiveness may be the blockage.

THE PHYSICAL COST OF UNFORGIVENESS: Medical and psychological research has documented what Scripture has always taught: unforgiveness produces measurable physical damage. Chronic bitterness is associated with elevated stress hormones, weakened immune function, cardiovascular disease, disrupted sleep, and depression. The body keeps the score of what the heart refuses to release. Forgiveness is not only a spiritual act. It is a health act. When Jesus said the truth will set you free, He was describing something physically as well as spiritually literal.

How Jesus Modelled Forgiveness

Luke 23:34 is the most extraordinary moment of forgiveness in all of human history. Jesus is nailed to a cross. He has been betrayed, denied, abandoned, subjected to an unjust trial, humiliated publicly, and flogged brutally. And from that cross He prays: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Notice three things. First, it is offered without any repentance from the offenders – the soldiers are still gambling for His clothes while He prays for them. Second, it is offered at the peak of the offence, not after recovery and distance from it. Third, it is a prayer to the Father – confirming that forgiveness is primarily a transaction between the offended and God, not between the offended and the offender.

Jesus does not say the crucifixion was acceptable. He does not pretend the nails do not hurt. He releases the debt from the position of maximum pain. And He calls us to the same standard: “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13). Not as you feel like forgiving. As the Lord forgave you.

5 Practical Steps to Forgive When It Still Hurts

1. Acknowledge the Reality of the Wound

You cannot forgive what you have not honestly named. Many believers attempt a superficial forgiveness that bypasses honest acknowledgement of how deeply they were hurt. True forgiveness begins with honesty before God: this is what happened, this is how it hurt, this is what it cost me. Bring the full weight of the wound before God before attempting to release the person who inflicted it.

2. Choose to Forgive as an Act of the Will

Forgiveness is initiated by a decision, not a feeling. You do not wait until you feel forgiving. You choose to forgive in obedience to God’s command, knowing the feeling will follow in its own time. Pray aloud: “Lord, I choose to forgive [name] for [specific offence]. I release the debt. I hand the offence to You. I step out of the judge’s seat.”

3. Release the Right to Revenge

Romans 12:19: do not take revenge but leave room for God’s wrath. Forgiveness does not deny the instinct for justice. It redirects it. It transfers the case from your court to God’s court. God’s justice is more thorough, more precise, and more certain than yours. When you release the right to revenge, you are not saying the offence will go unpunished. You are saying you are no longer the one who will administer the punishment.

4. Pray for the Person Who Hurt You

Matthew 5:44: pray for those who persecute you. Praying for the person who hurt you does not come naturally. But it is one of the most effective tools for softening the heart toward forgiveness. It is very difficult to maintain hatred for someone you are sincerely praying for. Prayer shifts the dynamic from enemy to object of God’s grace – and in doing so, shifts something in you as well.

5. Maintain the Forgiveness Through Repeated Choice

Forgiveness is rarely a one-time event. The memory will return. The pain will resurface. Each time it does, reaffirm the choice. This is not evidence the original forgiveness was not genuine. It is evidence you are human and the wound was real. Jesus said seventy-seven times – the number means as many times as the offence resurfaces in your memory, choose again.

Forgiveness vs Reconciliation – The Critical Difference

Forgiveness is unilateral. It requires one person – the offended. It does not require the presence, awareness, or participation of the offender. Reconciliation is bilateral. It requires two people, both willing to re-enter relationship with changed patterns, genuine accountability, and rebuilt trust.

Forgiveness is always commanded. Reconciliation is always conditioned on repentance and safety. You can and should forgive an abuser. You are not required to return to the abuse. You can forgive a betraying spouse while reconciliation of the marriage requires genuine repentance, professional help, and a changed pattern of behaviour. You can forgive a toxic family member while maintaining healthy boundaries that protect your wellbeing.

Forgiveness releases the debt. It does not obligate you to recreate the conditions that produced it.

🔥 DECLARATION OF FORGIVENESS PRAY THIS ALOUD WITH SPECIFIC NAMES IN YOUR HEART Father, I come before You with the full weight of what was done to me. I name it honestly. I acknowledge it was real and it hurt deeply. But I choose today, as an act of my will and in obedience to Your Word, to forgive. I release the debt they owe me. I hand the offence to You. I step out of the judge’s seat. I leave the verdict in Your hands. I refuse to carry this wound any further as a prison for myself. I receive the freedom that forgiveness brings. I release bitterness from my heart right now. And I receive the full forgiveness You have extended to me. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen!

CLOSING PRAYER Father, I bring the wounds I have been carrying before You honestly right now. You know exactly who hurt me, exactly how it happened, and exactly how deep the damage went. I choose to do what feels impossible without Your grace: I forgive them. Not because they deserve it. Not because the pain is gone. But because You command it, because You modelled it from the cross, and because I cannot afford the cost of carrying this unforgiveness any further. Free me, Lord. Heal what was broken. In Jesus’ name. Amen!

– FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS –

What if the person never apologises? Do I still have to forgive? Yes. The biblical command to forgive is not conditional on the offender’s repentance. Jesus forgave His crucifiers while they were still crucifying Him – no repentance, no request, no awareness of what they were doing. Your forgiveness is a transaction between you and God, not between you and the offender. Their repentance or lack of it does not determine whether you are required to forgive. It only affects whether reconciliation is possible. How do I know if I have truly forgiven someone? True forgiveness does not mean the memory disappears or the pain becomes instantly irrelevant. A reliable indicator is the shift in your prayer for the person – from prayers they would suffer to prayers they would encounter God. Another is the ability to wish them well without grinding resentment. The pain may remain for a season after forgiveness is chosen. But the bitterness – the hard, deliberate holding of the debt – should begin to dissolve. Can I forgive but still feel angry? Yes. Anger at genuine injustice is a legitimate human emotion. Ephesians 4:26 says be angry and do not sin – implying anger itself is not sin, but what is done with it can become sinful. Choosing to forgive does not require you to feel no anger. It requires you to channel the anger toward God in prayer rather than toward the person in bitterness. Anger brought to God and released is healthy. Anger maintained as bitterness becomes toxic. What about forgiving yourself? The standard is the same: the blood of Jesus is sufficient for every sin, including yours. 1 John 1:9 is absolute: if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. All unrighteousness. If God has forgiven you, continuing to hold the offence against yourself is rejecting the verdict of the court that matters most. Receive what God has declared and stop relitigating a case He has already closed. Is there anything too serious to forgive? The scope of human evil can reach levels that feel genuinely unforgiveable. But Jesus did not limit the forgiveness command to manageable offences. The parable uses ten thousand bags of gold – an amount designed to be comically impossible – precisely to convey that the forgiveness we have received covers impossible amounts. The same grace that enables God to forgive the worst of human sin enables you, through that same grace, to forgive what you could never forgive in your own strength. You do not find the forgiveness in yourself. You channel the forgiveness you have already received.

Forgiveness Is Not the End – It Is the Beginning

The most powerful moment in Joseph’s story is not when he reveals himself to his brothers. It is what he says next: “Do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.” (Genesis 45:5). Joseph had reframed the entire story. The same event that could have imprisoned him in bitterness for life had become a providential setup. God had used the worst thing his brothers did to him as the vehicle for the greatest good of his life.

This is the miracle that forgiveness makes possible – the reframing of your story. Not the denial of what happened but the discovery that God was at work in what happened, producing something in you and positioning something for you that the pain alone could not have produced. Forgiveness does not erase the wound. It allows God to redeem it.

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ABOUT THE MINISTER Rev. Emmanuel O. Adejugbe Rev. Emmanuel O. Adejugbe is the founder and lead minister of the Divine Attention Prayer Network – a ministry built on the conviction that God’s attention never leaves His people. Through the Divine Attention Prayer Network, he continues to raise up a generation of believers who are grounded in the Word, fervent in prayer, and bold in faith.